amazing yoda portrait by Frank La Natra
I want I want.
My Experience With Anorexia Nervosa.
As you may or may not know I am training to be a sex therapist and relationships counsellor, however, part of the training is to- of course- counsel various psychological difficulties as well as the area I want to specialise in. A few weeks ago I started a module on anorexia nervosa.
For those who are unfamiliar with what makes someone anorexic, the DSM-IV criteria states that it is someone (usually a girl aged 13-25) that has a refusal to maintain body weight, a disturbed perception of weight and body shape, an intese fear of gaining weight and/or suffers from amenorrhea (when a girl stops getting their period). Most people that suffer from anorexia often develop this disorder as a way to strive for control in their life and feel as though controlling their weight is a way of autonomy that they lack in their life, most commonly parental issues such as a divorce or overly controlling parents or simply just dealing with puberty as there are so many physical and emotional changes that happen and there is nothing to stop it.
As I was reading various papers on case studies on anorexia I couldn’t help notice the characteristics that I shared with the girls in the case study. Then it hit me. I was anorexic, and I never knew, three years ago. I’m relatively glad I “beat” it, even more so to say that I got out of it without help, in a way it makes me feel slightly superior. I know that’s not a cracking atribute to have as a therapist but it’s not so much that I feel superior towards people with anorexia, but more that I feel superior towards the disease.
The thing is about people with anorexia nervosa is that they feel superior when they don’t eat, their thinness is an accolade to their willpower not to eat and everyone else that eats is gluttonous, disgusting and is inferior because they can’t resist food, but they can, I can. I think that train of thinking doesn’t just apply to those with anorexia, I feel that due to modern society idolising thin models with large breasts, a round bum and skinny everything else a lot of people that fit this criteria feel superior to those who are obese and overweight. Because they can control their eating and the way they look and the overweight can’t. Although this is not particularly my opinion, I think it applies to a lot of people. Those people aren’t usually the happiest or the nicest people though. The difference between those people and those with anorexia is that people with anorexic don’t always do to look good for others. Sure it starts that way but the more severe the anorexia gets the bigger the desire to look thinner, bonier, skeletal.
I realised that this related to me when I was 18, I was obsessed with my weight. I had just come back from a trip to Canada and I had put on a lot of weight so I started out with a healthy diet, which went well, I lost the intended amount of weight. I was proud of myself for not eating like a pig as I had done the past month in Canada. I then wanted to see how much more I could resist food and restrict my intake, see how thin I could get. I tried to join WeightWatchers but they declined me, I wanted the points scheme book, I needed to know how many points I was supposed to intake a day, and how many points are in the food I was eating. In the end I referred to my friend’s book. Most days I ate scrambled eggs (2 eggs, skimmed milk, no butter) for breakfast and then when I was feeling hungry I would drink as much water as I could to fill me up and failing that I would eat celery if I was at home.
Eating made me feel disgusting. It made me feel dirty. It made me feel worthless and weak. The pain I got from hunger made me feel powerful, independent, accomplished. It was a feeling that I have never experienced before as I have never been good at anything. I have never been a star. I have never been exceptional. I had always been out shined by my overweight sister. Although I didn’t realise at the time I can see looking back that by restricting food and being thin was my way, in my own head, that I was better than her. Of course that is not the case, but it’s definitely how I felt.
When I thought about food I felt physically sick. The kind of sick you feel when you’ve eaten loads and cannot possibly think of eating another bite. I gagged at the idea of food, never mind eating it. It’s weird to think of that now. It’s weird to think I used to be thin. I know I am not fat now as I am still technically underweight (being 105lbs and standing at 5’7”) but I do not feel ill.
At my lowest weight I was 88lbs (6stone 4lbs) so my BMI was 13.7. People who suffer from anorexia generally get hospitalised at BMI 12. So you must be thinking “if you were so close to get you hospitalised, why didn’t you get help”. I didn’t think I needed to. I rarely saw my parents so it was hard for them to notice, as for my friends, I always wore baggy clothes so it was very hard for them to notice too. Sure I got called skinny, but it seemed like the thing people felt compelled to tell me, just in the same way that “oh I like your red hair” was and still is. I don’t think people actually like my hair, nor did I think that people actually thought I was skinny, I thought they were just making meaningless conversation and wanted to be nice.
I liked being skinny and I didn’t believe myself to have a problem with eating at all. If I’m being honest the idea of being anorexic almost seemed heroic, almost like a goal. I thought “now that’s will power”. However, the problems inevitably started. I have heart problems, and when I wasn’t getting nutrition it got worse, I found it hard to do the slightest exercise, such as walking up and downstairs without my heart giving me grief and me panting out of breath (oh yes, my lungs are smaller than they should be, so that was another thing). I was cold all the time, which may not say a lot since I live in Britain and the sun only comes out to say hello one day a year, but I would always wear jumpers, even to bed. I was constantly in a bad mood, I was constantly trying to make myself feel better by saying “don’t worry about that dick that walked into you, I bet they eat loads, I bet they can’t do what you do. You’re better than them Alyson, much better”. I slept all the time, in class (but that may have something to do with the lectures), on busses, trains, on the floor of the stairs because I would get so tired walking up them in one go. Everywhere. I was a mess.
In the end I felt like I had an ultimatum; it was my life, or being thin. I chose life. I still constantly battle with food. I like to eat fatty foods to remind myself that I can eat, but then I will still go a day or so with just drinking water instead of eating. I am not going to deny that I wish I was thinner. Nor can I deny that I eat more than a cow on days. However, what I can say is that now I enjoy food. I like to eat…most of the time. I am constantly going through an internal battle with myself: thinness or life. You do not have a life when you suffer from anorexia, even at the very mild case that I had. Your starvation is your obsession. Gaining weight was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I had to intentionally eat, even though the mere thought of it repulsed me. Put on pounds I tried so hard to lose. I felt like a failure, but I had to see the upside- the negative side effects were going away. I was happier, I could walk distances without sitting down. I felt “healthier” (“healthy” and “healthier” were and will always sound like dirty words to me).
It’s strange for me to look my body now. I have days where I think “you have a nice body Alyson, you have actual bouncy boobs, not just nipples, a bum and a flat stomach now, you look nice” and others where I still think “do you remember when you were thin Alyson? You could see your bones then, you don’t need boobs if you wear baggy clothes, you looked better thin, you’ve let yourself go and you will be 200lbs soon if you carry on. You disgust me”. I think the sad truth of the matter is that I receive ten times the amounts of compliments now than I ever did when I was anorexic and I try to tell myself it’s because I look better this way. Sometimes I believe it, sometimes I think it’s coincidence.
This video hurts my soul. There is a difference between “a spanking” and outright beating a child. I’ve never made a video about this, but watching this brings back a lot of hatred of my childhood. Judge William Adams needs to go to jail for this sort of child abuse that was a common occurrence according to his daughter.
The same thing would happen to me as a child. My parents were divorced and my mom had massive anger problems. She always knew I loved my dad more and it infuriated her. One time in particular I got “caught” talking to my dad on the phone even though my mom had banned me from speaking with him. She was furious. She whipped off her belt and just went to town. Legs, arm, neck, and back (Much like Judge Adams). Its one of the reasons I find it hard to love her. But the one silver lining that I take away from it is I will never beat my child. I will never be any of the terrible things my mom was. I’ve never shared that before.
